Lifesaver
by Merida Hughsie
Summary: A collection of scenes from Elsie Hughes' and Charles Carson's life together as they muddle through, what the French call, 'une affaire du coeur'. It is accompanied by the wonderful song "Lifesaver" by Sunrise Avenue. I don't own the song or the characters.


**A.N.: Hi everyone. I mostly get inspired by music and here is one of the results. Sometimes I worry for my sanity. :) This just popped into my head while listening to "Lifesaver" from Sunrise Avenue. No copyright infringement intended with either the song nor the wonderful characters out of JF's pen. Again my wonderful new Beta, inordertolivelife, helped with her many suggestions and comments. Hope you enjoy it and pretty please leave a review.**

**For easier reading: No chronological order of event. Bold is lyrics.** Underlined** is Charles' POV. **_Cursive_ **is Elsie's POV.**

**Thank you so much.**

_**Lifesaver**_

**I find it hard to win**

You are always right … or so it seems to me. Whenever we argue, whether it's over the household budget, staff problems or the family upstairs, you make me see reason. The way you outline problems with a clear, analytical mind always amazes me. Whatever the crisis we face, I know I can rely on you to stand by my side so that we may face it together. Even when I don't want to share a specific problem with you, you go behind my back and shamelessly insert yourself and your advice in my life.

I wouldn't want to change that for anything.

Because in the end, I know that you are right. You always are. You always win.

**Back on the ground again**

**I feel like giving in**

_I am afraid. More afraid than I have ever been before in my life. Cancer … that thing in my breast might be cancer. I can't even comprehend what this means. My body is turning against me and could very well kill me. Cancer. Never before have I been more aware of my breasts. Not when I was a youngster and they were growing, aching now and then, tingling, and being overly sensitive against the unforgiving whale-bone of my corset. _

_I feel like a great weight is trying to draw me under and I'm getting tired of fighting against it. Why have I always struggled to stay in control? Why have I never just accepted my weaknesses and finality? I am tired now and I feel like giving up the fight._

**But you're my second wind**

_Then suddenly you're standing in my doorway and you are looking so thoughtful. The house party had gone well and you are content, but then you turn around to look sincerely at me. You know exactly how to break me down (- and it sometimes worries me). Wearing your heart on your sleeve for once, you apologize for your gruffness and you say that you are always by my side._

_For a long moment I'm unable to form a coherent thought, let alone something to utter. I feel my heart beat faster again all of a sudden, hammering defiantly against my ribcage, beating more loudly than it had in a while. It seems to beat out a rhythm of "I am alive and I will bloody well stay that way". I feel the steel returning to my backbone and the courage rise within me with every breath I take._

_Finally I muster a smile and answer you as calmly as possible under the circumstances, the only words that swirl to the front of my mind, "Thank you for that". It means so much more. Thank you for being on my side. Thank you for giving me back my strength, my will to fight this invader. Thank you for being my second wind so I can win this hardest battle of my life._

**Don't you ever tire**

**Facing all my fires**

**I don't need no one but you right now**

_How dare you! How dare you stand there with your most imposing and intimidating butler pose and shout at me! You rant on about this not being my business. I __may__ be out of line to interfere in your life, but I have known that you were bothered by that letter and I wanted to make you feel better. I know that you don't understand why I insist on butting in, on being a nuisance and meddling busybody. I hate to be those things in your eyes. What you don't seem to understand is that I love you – even when you are being difficult and you shove me to the side. Why else would I be meddling? Other than the simple, irrefutable fact that I love you, but you're buffered me once more. So I do the only thing that you might understand in all your stubborn. I draw myself up to my full height and shout back._

**So, I say**

**Oh, my friend, you're holding out your hand**

**I take it like an oar from the depth**

**Hey, Lifesaver, I'm drowning in despair**

**But you're fighting for me right until the end.**

**You pull me back to land and save me once again**

**You help me wash away**

**The insane mistakes I made**

**And I see it in your face**

**My only source of grace**

Why can't you simply understand that there are some parts of my life that I want to keep hidden from you? I live in fear that my past will somehow diminish our friendship, or worse, your respect. I want to be a man worthy of you. Being the woman you are demands that I conduct myself with the utmost respect and honour, but also with the best behaviour I can muster … and while I know I don't always seem to conduct myself this way, please know that I do try. My past is not something I am proud of, or will ever be proud of. You are my saving grace because you never judge me too harshly, not for my past and not for the pompous behaviour I presently display. In your eyes I am a man of honour and integrity and I don't ever want to lose your friendship, I don't ever want to look into your eyes and see disgust where I once saw warmth and compassion.

I had gone down that path once before and I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to go through the pain, humiliation and self-hatred again. You can only fall down so many times before you lack the strength and willpower to pick yourself back up time and time again. Alice and Grigg have done a lot of damage to my self-esteem. I returned to Downton a humbled … well, nearly broken man. With time and the kindnesses of the family, especially those of a sweet little girl with bouncing black curls and a serious face, my self-worth was restored. What you see today, the blustering, rigid and stubborn, unfeeling butler is a direct result of the terrible betrayal of the two people I had considered friends. How can I allow my heart to bare itself again, how can I allow it to be broken once more? I honestly think it would be my undoing.

So you see; I have no other choice but to push you away, because you hold all the power over me. I hate myself and my cowardice. I hate that I cannot be braver for you.

However, instead of forcing me to acknowledge my feelings for you and face the humiliation of appearing like the lovesick fool I know I am, you make me face my past and acknowledge the hurt and betrayal I felt then. You were right … again … aren't you always … it did help to cut open the wound again and let the poison bleed out before re-stitching it and letting it heal. After all the pain and resentment I still felt until the day I shook Grigg's hand, I can now contemplate my future without looking back and regretting past mistakes.

**No, I don't take for granted**

**All the time you've wasted**

**Making sacrifices for a fool**

Now I stand before you with my trembling heart in my hands, ready to give it to you and half-fearing that I am too late. I will never forgive myself if I have waited too long to make my feelings known to you. It is possible that I have wasted too much time staying away from you due to my unwavering loyalty towards the family and not my own heart. I am hopelessly trying to figure out how to make myself known to you, have tried for some time now. All my imagined scenarios seem perfunctory and not worthy of you.

I know you … in fact I flatter myself thinking I know you very well. You are a sensible woman, hardly showing uncalled sentimentality (I apologize profusely for the one time I accused you otherwise), but I know you don't stand on ceremony the same way I do. I know that you often feel de-sexed, as if we have all forgotten that you are a woman, as if anyone with eyes could overlook that fact. I know that you dream of feeling feminine and beautiful for once, but you, too, often times seem to have forgotten how to be that way. I want to make you feel that way every day, if you would allow me to.

Now I finally found the courage to approach you with my feelings for the world to see. I can't give you back the time that I wasted for us. I cannot thank you enough for all the times you have run interference for me with the staff. In my own small way I have tried to repay you by running interference on your behalf with the family upstairs, even though you didn't know that at the time. You have sacrificed so very much for me. I can see that now.

Let me love you in return and devote to you the rest of my life.

**So, I say**

**Refrain**

**You lift me higher,**

**You hold the fire,**

**You make me strong enough to stay**

_Joe Burns' letter startled me. I hadn't known that he was widowed. When last I heard of him he was married to a friend of mine and had a son; in short he lived the life he had envisioned with me. I honestly thought that he meant to meet me as a friend and nothing more, to catch up on old times and see how I had gotten on._

_We met in the village at the fair. It was evening and quite a frivolous setting for a friendly chat between old acquaintances. Even though, I never dreamed of him proposing to me at the end of the evening. His proposal caught me completely off guard, but I did agree to think about it … if only to not hurt him. _

_To my shame I have to admit that the more I thought about it, the more appealing his offer seemed. My sister would have been happy and I knew that Joe would be a good man, a good husband. For days I compared my life at Downton to the life I would lead on Joe's farm. When I was young I swore to myself that I would never live my mother's life, but I was contemplating it … seriously. _

_My doubts started when I tried to cheer William up a little and boost his confidence to stand up to Thomas. The lad's heart was in the right place and he didn't know what he was saying or what effect it would have on me. He looked at me as I often imagined a child looking up at me, as I know I had often looked up at my own mother. His doleful brown eyes with sadness, but complete trust lurking in their depths, will haunt me to my dying day. I began to doubt whether I could leave my own 'children' behind when I would leave for my new life. _

_Still I considered Joe's proposal._

… _but then you happened … as you so often do without realizing it. Thomas was once more standing in the kitchen, smoking even though Mrs Patmore had often chastised him not to do that in her domain. Again he was deluding to my apparent sparkle and that the only explanation for it was that I had a 'fancy man'. Oh, how I wanted to smack that insolent smirk off his face! Before I could round the corner and tell him off, I heard your booming voice. _

_ "Thomas! You will keep your foolish notions to yourself or you will answer to me. Mrs Hughes is not only your superior, but also a lady of honour and an unblemished reputation. You will show her the respect she deserves."_

_My heart lifted to high heaven and I felt strong enough to face Thomas with my head held high, but furthermore you had given me a reason to stay at Downton and refuse Joe. It was the moment I realized I was falling in love with you._

**You lift me higher,**

**You hold the fire,**

**Made up stand tall**

**But without you I'd fall**

That infernal, wonderful day at the beach was my undoing. How could I resist you when you looked so charming and carefree? Your hair was looser and you were out of your usual black housekeeper's uniform. The uniform that seemed to keep you at my side, but at a respectably frustrating distance. For a wondrous moment I could see the farmer's daughter from Argyll that you had once upon a time been. Your complexion, despite the shade of your hat, was the slightest bit sun-kissed and the top buttons on your blouse were undone. Knowing that it was highly improper, but not able to resist, my gaze covertly followed a bead of perspiration as it slowly rolled down the long column of your throat and further down into the valley between your breasts. To make matters worse you threw a saucy remark at me, one I found highly improper, too. "Come on! I dare ye!" you called out to me.

My eyebrows shot up into my hairline and I argued with you a little … being once more foolish, but in the end I relented … as I had known I would from the beginning … as you knew from the beginning.

"You can hold my hand, then we'll both go in together," you said and I was lost to what you had become to me in that moment. A siren … and I finally understood my grandfather's stories. For the first time I could understand the sailors who had followed the call of a siren to shipwreck and death. I would follow you anywhere.

I agreed, smiling at the picture we would make, "I think I will hold your hand, if only to feel a bit steadier." It was quite ridiculous really, thinking your petite frame could hold up my bulk, but you sent me a beaming smile and again I lost my heart and common sense.

You went right for the killing then with the most outrageous thing to come over your sweet lips. "You can always hold my hand if you need to feel steady."

As if I didn't already know that. In every situation life throws at me, I know that I can depend on you. But moreover, I know that I can depend upon the steadiness that is my love for you. I wouldn't be here as I am, without you. As if there could be any doubt that you are my lifesaver, Elsie. Life's altered me as it's altered you. And what would be the point of living if we didn't have someone to save us once in a while?

**Refrain**


End file.
